Category: omfg

I would like to take a moment to bring something very disturbing to your attention.
I recently received an e-mail from a Mr. Kurtis Cash. The subject read simply “Hi” while the body of the e-mail contained an oblique web address followed by the simple bold words:

GET BIGGER PENIS

Was it advice? A suggestion? A command? An offer? A to-do list? All I can say for sure is that I receive dozens, if not hundreds of e-mails to this same effect every single day. Intrigued, I decided to follow up on this one. What I found shocked and apalled me.

The Web address above linked to an advertisement for a product called “MaxGain+” which is an herbal supplement purported to increase the size of a man’s penis. We at OMFG have come up with a theory: “MaxGain+” and other products like it have secretly been developed and marketed by other genders in the hopes of lowering the self esteem of men around the globe, thereby making them weaker and easier to oppress. Consider these examples from the “MaxGain+” website.

How would you feel being just an average guy for your lady? With the advance in science penis enlargement is now possible without expensive surgery, pumps or hanging weights.

#1: HANGING WEIGHTS, WTF?!? That is unacceptable. That trumps Japanese foot binding in terms of horrific beautification techniques. No man should be made to feel so insecure that he would put himself through that.

#2: Note how the add disparages being average, placing men in direct competition with each other, vying for the approval of women.

In the image to the left, the science behind penis enlargement is finally explained to all of our satisfaction.

Here’s another example, from the section of the add entitled:
“Psychological Benefits of a Bigger Penis.”

Women don’t care a lot what a man says, since most men have little to say that interests a woman. But they pay strict attention to the subtle signs in a man’s attitude. Women think: “If he looks confident, then there must be something about him that makes him so confident. This could be interesting”. A big penis is your ticket to that show of confidence that is not an act or a sham, but the real thing.

#1: Finally, the acknowledgment that women are just as shallow as men. An insight into the brutal mechanics of the female mind, so incisive that it was clearly written by someone of another gender.

#2: All confidence is an act. You’re acting like you are better than you are. By linking this act to a concrete physical trait, women restrict men from evolving beyond their natural limitations.

I know there are members of other genders who will say “look at all the aggressive weight loss programs and plastic surgery out there. We women know what it’s like to be made to feel inferior for something beyond our control.”

Not like this you don’t.

The penis is tied to the male sense of identity in a way that no one of another gender could ever truly understand. It is a man’s sexual mouthpiece, and since sex is arguably the entire point of male existence, what a man’s penis says about him is understandably very important to him. By using the instantaneous daily marketing blitz of the internet, other genders or able to assault men on a regular basis with broken sentences like “Get Bigger Penis,” “Penis to Small,” “Make More Penis Less $$,” “Big Penis=Big Happy” and “Hey Asshole, You’re Penis is Too Small.”

It is the goal of “MaxGain+” and companies like it to gradually pick away at the fragile sense of male security, attacking us where we are most vulnerable: our gigantic, horrifically huge penises.

It is with great pride that OMFG announces it’s next Live Educational Seminar, to be held at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre located at 307 West 26th Street in downtown Manhattan. Please join us on Monday, October 6th at 6:30pm for an informative evening of live presentations and videos. Men will receive lessons in how to re-empower themselves and take a stand against female oppression, while other genders will learn how to better identify with the male point of view. An educational, edifying and, yes, entertaining evening is in store for all.

OMFG live @ UCB
The Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre
307 West 26th Street, New York, NY
Monday, October 6th, 6:30pm, $5

It has come to my attention that many of my friends in their early 20s lead relatively nomadic lives, refusing to invest too much time or energy into anything outside of themselves. At this age most people haven’t started families, they don’t really have careers to speak of, they don’t have enough time or money to donate it to charity and they’re all to damn good looking to care about anybody but themselves anyway. The exceptions to the rule are:
The Religious, who invest out of fear in the possibilities of what will happen to them after they die.
The Hippies, who invest out of love in the possibilities of what will happen to the planet after they die.
The Romantics, who invest in other people.
Of these three types, the last one makes the most sense to me. After all, who wouldn’t want to pour their time and money into a machine that makes you orgasm and then tells you how wonderful you are? The positive results are so immediate, unlike the first two types of investment, which are like long-term mutual funds that may or may not eventually pay off. It is only natural that a relationship would be the first serious investment made by any young person. However, we here at OMFG must urge you to invest wisely, and determine that you are in fact getting out more than you put in. We call this a Bull Market, and it is the only way to avoid terminal frustration with any of the other genders you may welcome into your life.

Remember during the women’s right’s movement of the 1960s, when burning bras was a defiant statement against a male dominated society? Now, in this era of reverse sexism, I suggest a similar protest for the oppressed men of the world: firebombing gyms.

For men, going to the gym is entirely about pleasing women. Some people will tell you that there are other health-related concerns. These people are idiots and liars. A quick look at the magazine “Men’s Health” confirms this theory, as anyone who has read it can tell you that it’s essentially “Maxim” with workout tips. In modern society, sex and fitness are horrifically linked.

In the past, physical labor was necessary to improve one’s quality of life. However these days it is completely possible to travel from birth to death without picking up anything heavier than a telephone. Physical exertion is only a path to accessing other genders. It is the belief of OMFG that women secretly created gyms in order to keep mankind in the perpetual condition of working to please them, and furthermore that they have deployed several overly muscled individuals in each gym keep us feeling constantly inadequate.

It is with this in mind that we urge you to burn your gym membership, tear into a bag of cheez-its and revel in your manly glory. We can only achieve success through unity, for we are our own competition. If all men stopped working out at once, do you really think everyone would stop getting laid? Doubtful. It’s time to forcibly lower feminine standards like a halter-top on a drunken co-ed, and you don’t want to be the well-toned scab that ruins everything for the rest of us. Few things in life are more terrifying than a legion of flabby, sexually frustrated men, panting and stumbling their way towards social equality.