Month: February 2009

I am deadly serious. Let me explain:
The other day, while flipping between “Man Vs. Wild” and “Wrestle Mania 14,” my overly-muscular fingers shattered the remote and my television was stuck on MTV. Being unwilling to leave my exercise bike at the time, I was condemned to watch MTV’s current programing, which happened to be an episode of the reality show “The City.”
“The City” is the bastard spawn of atrocities like “The Hills” and “Laguna Beach.” Like it’s heinous brethren, the ostensibly “documentary” show focuses on a mob of rich attractive 20-somethings trying to make it in the world (in this case New York City), helped greatly by the fact that they are D-List celebrities “struggling” through entirely fictitious, scripted situations.
This particular episode focused on the protagonist “going steady” with the tool-like object of her affection. However, the way in which she snagged this gem of a human being stood out to me as the biggest piece of other-gendered propaganda since Rosie the Riveter.
Faced with her man’s refusal to commit, the girl (Whitney) accepted a lunch date from a stranger (an ethnically-vague model hired by MTV with the emotional complexity of a pinecone). At dinner later that night with her would-be boyfriend, she announced upon her arrival that earlier she had awkwardly shared some bubble tea with another man. This prompted Prince Charming to enter a jealous fit, resulting in him avidly wooing her the next day with flowers, champagne and a heartfelt request to date exclusively.
There is no font large enough the contain the “WTF” I wish to type in response to this scenario. The producers of this show need to realize that there is a nation of impressionable young girls out there, all eager to move to New York, spray on a tan and date a tooly musician. MTV is telling them that the way to land their dream man is to flirt with some other asshole and drive him insane with jealousy. This plan is almost as stupid as having sex in a horror movie, and similarly it will only lead to tragedy.
Other Genders, if you learn nothing else from OMFG, please retain this: THE WAY TO A MAN’S HEART IS NOT THROUGH HIS JEALOUSY. Men are biologically cursed with a powerful need to be the only one fucking whoever they’re fucking. It is beyond our control and often very inconvenient. If you take advantage of this trait, it will come back to haunt you. The threat of losing his exclusive lease on your vagina is definitely enough to scare a man into promising all kinds of things. However be warned, if you play this card, if you take advantage of his evolutionary handicap, he will hate you for it. You want to be loved out of admiration rather than fear, respect rather than paranoia.
You want to be loved as a man loves his family, with trust and tenderness, not as Liam Neeson in the new movie “Taken” loves HIS family, with anxiety and insane violent rage. As this film teaches us, if you force a man’s back against the wall, he will use his skills (penis) to go on a murderous (emotional) rampage through France (all your friends) leaving a bloody (tearful) trail of dead Albanians (promises and feelings) in his wake. Don’t let a stupid decision strain your relationship like I’ve strained this metaphor. Take it from OMFG and the Albanian body count:
Don’t play the jealousy card.