Month: October 2008

Posted on

Fire and Brimstone

I had two experiences in the last 12 hours that together effectively summarize my feelings on religion.

Last night I saw the Reverend Vince Anderson play his weekly Monday-night show at Black Betty in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I met the good Reverend through the family of my friend Nate Bock. Nate’s father is a former minister and one of the most decent people I’ve encountered. He once spoke with me briefly about the branch of Lutheranism that his family practices, a faith so inclusive of other beliefs that it seemed to me to almost border on Unitarianism, but with a genuine embracement of traditional Christian scripture.

This is closely related to the faith the Reverend Vince preaches every Monday night to a packed house of sweaty sinners in a bar under the BQE. Vince is the genuine article. He’s the rare performer that treats his music as a religious experience and exhibits it without a trace of artifice. In the so-ironic-it’s-almost-sincere-again world of hipster culture this remarkable honesty has garnered him quite a following.

crosses

In what is probably the most cynical neighborhood in America, the Reverend thrives by preaching a gospel of love. His religious fervor is not dogmatic, but rather pure enthusiasm for life. I have always admired, even envied, the passion that churchgoers can achieve in support of their faith. The Reverend certainly has passion to spare, complete with prayers, fainting spells, tap-dancing, sing-alongs and resounding shouts of “Amen!” The message he preaches is love for your fellow man and acceptance of all faiths, classes and races, a message that he rightly proclaimed last night might cause him to be labeled a heretic. However, this kind of unabashed acceptance is, in my mind, much closer to the spirit of Christianity as it likely originated, and speaks to a truth so universal that even the most jaded kids in the country lose themselves in prayer and praise.

Conversely, this morning found me confronted with a very different kind of preaching. I had crammed myself merrily onto the A Train at 8AM to ride to work like I do every morning and will continue to do UNTIL I DIE. Pre-coffee, burdened with bags, my hair sticking up like an aloe plant from borrowing my girlfriends “Blond Vibrance” conditioner, I was already not in the best of moods when I saw the A Train Preacher board my car. While some of you might take issue at my disparaging a man’s honest attempt to create positive change, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the A Train Preacher, and those like him, are abominations on the face of this city.

The man is ostensibly collecting for the homeless, a task he dispatches with great haste, quickly moving on to his preferred topic: the eternity that we will all spend in hell if we refuse to accept Jesus as our savior. in the 3 minutes between 34th and 42nd streets, he manages to embody everything I hate about religion. He takes a captive audience (separation of church and state sadly doesn’t apply to busking) and he uses fear as his main selling point. As the doors closed behind me, that last words I heard were, “I hope you don’t have to die to find out I was right!”

No one needs that at 8 in the morning. No one needs that ever. At it’s worst religion attempts to control people’s behavior through fear of eternal damnation. At best it gives them a vessel into which they can pour their faith, love and hope for humanity. You can see both in 12 hours in New York City.

Posted on

MaxGain+: Agent of Male Oppression

I would like to take a moment to bring something very disturbing to your attention.
I recently received an e-mail from a Mr. Kurtis Cash. The subject read simply “Hi” while the body of the e-mail contained an oblique web address followed by the simple bold words:

GET BIGGER PENIS

Was it advice? A suggestion? A command? An offer? A to-do list? All I can say for sure is that I receive dozens, if not hundreds of e-mails to this same effect every single day. Intrigued, I decided to follow up on this one. What I found shocked and apalled me.

The Web address above linked to an advertisement for a product called “MaxGain+” which is an herbal supplement purported to increase the size of a man’s penis. We at OMFG have come up with a theory: “MaxGain+” and other products like it have secretly been developed and marketed by other genders in the hopes of lowering the self esteem of men around the globe, thereby making them weaker and easier to oppress. Consider these examples from the “MaxGain+” website.

How would you feel being just an average guy for your lady? With the advance in science penis enlargement is now possible without expensive surgery, pumps or hanging weights.

#1: HANGING WEIGHTS, WTF?!? That is unacceptable. That trumps Japanese foot binding in terms of horrific beautification techniques. No man should be made to feel so insecure that he would put himself through that.

#2: Note how the add disparages being average, placing men in direct competition with each other, vying for the approval of women.

In the image to the left, the science behind penis enlargement is finally explained to all of our satisfaction.

Here’s another example, from the section of the add entitled:
“Psychological Benefits of a Bigger Penis.”

Women don’t care a lot what a man says, since most men have little to say that interests a woman. But they pay strict attention to the subtle signs in a man’s attitude. Women think: “If he looks confident, then there must be something about him that makes him so confident. This could be interesting”. A big penis is your ticket to that show of confidence that is not an act or a sham, but the real thing.

#1: Finally, the acknowledgment that women are just as shallow as men. An insight into the brutal mechanics of the female mind, so incisive that it was clearly written by someone of another gender.

#2: All confidence is an act. You’re acting like you are better than you are. By linking this act to a concrete physical trait, women restrict men from evolving beyond their natural limitations.

I know there are members of other genders who will say “look at all the aggressive weight loss programs and plastic surgery out there. We women know what it’s like to be made to feel inferior for something beyond our control.”

Not like this you don’t.

The penis is tied to the male sense of identity in a way that no one of another gender could ever truly understand. It is a man’s sexual mouthpiece, and since sex is arguably the entire point of male existence, what a man’s penis says about him is understandably very important to him. By using the instantaneous daily marketing blitz of the internet, other genders or able to assault men on a regular basis with broken sentences like “Get Bigger Penis,” “Penis to Small,” “Make More Penis Less $$,” “Big Penis=Big Happy” and “Hey Asshole, You’re Penis is Too Small.”

It is the goal of “MaxGain+” and companies like it to gradually pick away at the fragile sense of male security, attacking us where we are most vulnerable: our gigantic, horrifically huge penises.

Posted on

How to Shit Where You Eat

We all know that men are biologically destined to spend 70% of their waking hours thinking about sex. When a man spends 80% of that time in one location, like an office, he will most likely try to have some sex there. We say go for it.

However by dipping your pen in the company ink, you leave yourself at the mercy of feminine predators who will use your daily availability and low self-esteem to ensnare you in a relationship and effectively neuter you. In order to avoid this entrapment, you must master an active state of denial and refuse to acknowledge the affair. The key to shitting where you eat is to go right back and eat there again, grinning bravely as if the food wasn’t covered in the shit of your sexual conquest.

In this next scene, Ed and Sarah hooked up on Saturday night at a company party. After an awkward courtship revolving mostly around Ed’s inability to remember Sarah’s name, they consummated their attraction in a race-car bed belonging to the Development Director’s small child.

Watch how Ed deftly avoids feminine entrapment as he unflinchingly interacts with his shit-smeared co-worker on Monday morning.

Posted on

OMFG Vocabulary – Word of the Day “Hook-up”

“Hook-up” – Once meaning something that one does to a VCR, this term now denotes something ambiguous and sexual that happens between two people, usually without prior intent. This term is revolutionary it that it imparts no information whatsoever as to the nature of the sexual act, and could in fact refer to anything from light kissing to aggressive anal sex. In this promiscuous age, sexual relationships between men and women are becoming less and less formal all the time, and it has become necessary to develop a term that could encompasses both borrowing a DVD and sweaty, loveless intercourse.

NOTE: While in the past “Hook-up” was an acceptable term for a non-sexual rendezvous between two men, in recent years that has ceased to be the case, and use of the term in that sense is now correctly considered gayer than a bundle of dicks.

Example:

“Yo man, what are you doing tonight? We should hook up later.”

“Um, no thanks…
my…uh…asshole is
um…on fire.”