Mascot Obituaries
- Pillsbury Doughboy – Impaled by finger.
- Kool Aid Man – “Oh Yeah’d” himself into a nuclear reactor.
- Frankenberry – Gay three-way suicide pact with Boo Berry and Count Chocula.
- Aflac Duck – Poisoned by eating Gieco Gecko.
- Verizon Guy – Locked himself in a public parking garage; no one could hear him screaming.
- Cap’n Crunch – Killed by angry father after he “made it happen” with an 11-year-old.
- Jolly Green Giant – Ripped apart at the hands of an angry mob led by Jimmy Dean.
- McGruff the Crime Dog – Toxic combination of extreme police corruption and licking his own balls.
- Gerber Baby – Whatever disease Gary Coleman had; that 45-year-old baby never ate solid food.
- “I’m a Mac” / “I’m a PC” Guys – Another gay three-way suicide pact…strangely, also with Boo Berry.
- Coppertone Girl – Rape. Just kidding, that would be so horrible, right? Seriously though, it was rape.
- Quaker Oats Man – Starved to death in a fully stocked, working kitchen, baffled by our modern technology.
- Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima, and the Chiquita Banana Girl – Fought to the death after realizing they were all married to Uncle Ben.
- Uncle Ben – Nothing, he’s fine. Now he’s bangin’ the Land O’ Lakes Girl.
- Joe Camel – Ridden to death.
- Malboro Man – bucked from dying camel.
- Ronald McDonald – Beaten to death by large, unstable purple friend. Latter cannibalized by Hamburgler. That bird girl just watched the whole thing.
- Jared from Subway – Accidentally strangled by excess fabric while showing off enormous pair of former pants.
- Six Flags Dancing Old Man – Extremely exciting diabetes
- Priceline Negotiator – Klingons