Tag: omfg

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Deliberately Inappropriate Communication (D.I.C.)

Most men are familiar with the dangerous effect that women, or at least their body parts, can have on a man’s judgment. Most times all this will cost you is a few drinks or an unfulfilling marriage, but in the delicate world of office politics it may result in an increased workload or even the loss of your position. It is vital that you stand your ground and at least present the illusion that you are not ruled by your sexual desire.

The first step in empowering yourself is identifying the subtle sexual innuendos that permeate any inter-gender conversation. Some call this “Sexual Harassment.” We at OMFG call it “Deliberately Inappropriate Communication,” D-I-C or DIC.

Did you know that most cases of dissatisfaction in the workplace can be traced back to bad DIC? It is difficult for men to sense when they are receiving DIC, since giving good DIC is often the key to a man’s own social empowerment. The key to DIC mastery is to understand when the DIC is in your favor and when the DIC will hurt you. And if a man loses control of his DIC in front of a women, the results can be messy. Watch in this next scene how Mandi uses Andy’s DIC against him.

Poor Andy. Looks like he’ll have to spend some time alone working on his DIC before trying it again on Mandi. She knows that when she controls the DIC, she controls the office.

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Bitches Be Trippin’

The following instructional video will explain the OMFG logo at the top of this page, and hopefully teach other genders a little bit about a primary component of inter-male communication.  Please treat this information with the utmost discretion.

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A thought about investment

It has come to my attention that many of my friends in their early 20s lead relatively nomadic lives, refusing to invest too much time or energy into anything outside of themselves. At this age most people haven’t started families, they don’t really have careers to speak of, they don’t have enough time or money to donate it to charity and they’re all to damn good looking to care about anybody but themselves anyway. The exceptions to the rule are:
The Religious, who invest out of fear in the possibilities of what will happen to them after they die.
The Hippies, who invest out of love in the possibilities of what will happen to the planet after they die.
The Romantics, who invest in other people.
Of these three types, the last one makes the most sense to me. After all, who wouldn’t want to pour their time and money into a machine that makes you orgasm and then tells you how wonderful you are? The positive results are so immediate, unlike the first two types of investment, which are like long-term mutual funds that may or may not eventually pay off. It is only natural that a relationship would be the first serious investment made by any young person. However, we here at OMFG must urge you to invest wisely, and determine that you are in fact getting out more than you put in. We call this a Bull Market, and it is the only way to avoid terminal frustration with any of the other genders you may welcome into your life.

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The Yolk of Opression

Remember during the women’s right’s movement of the 1960s, when burning bras was a defiant statement against a male dominated society? Now, in this era of reverse sexism, I suggest a similar protest for the oppressed men of the world: firebombing gyms.

For men, going to the gym is entirely about pleasing women. Some people will tell you that there are other health-related concerns. These people are idiots and liars. A quick look at the magazine “Men’s Health” confirms this theory, as anyone who has read it can tell you that it’s essentially “Maxim” with workout tips. In modern society, sex and fitness are horrifically linked.

In the past, physical labor was necessary to improve one’s quality of life. However these days it is completely possible to travel from birth to death without picking up anything heavier than a telephone. Physical exertion is only a path to accessing other genders. It is the belief of OMFG that women secretly created gyms in order to keep mankind in the perpetual condition of working to please them, and furthermore that they have deployed several overly muscled individuals in each gym keep us feeling constantly inadequate.

It is with this in mind that we urge you to burn your gym membership, tear into a bag of cheez-its and revel in your manly glory. We can only achieve success through unity, for we are our own competition. If all men stopped working out at once, do you really think everyone would stop getting laid? Doubtful. It’s time to forcibly lower feminine standards like a halter-top on a drunken co-ed, and you don’t want to be the well-toned scab that ruins everything for the rest of us. Few things in life are more terrifying than a legion of flabby, sexually frustrated men, panting and stumbling their way towards social equality.

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OMFG Vocabulary – Word of the day “Friend”

It has come to our attention that in this fast-paced electronic age, many words have completely different meanings then they once did. This is reminiscent of “lingo” developed in the 1960’s, when “cool” stopped specifying a temperature and started specifying an attitude and “groovy” became a term for an open-minded person rather than a poorly made cabinet.

Leaving aside Hip-Hop culture, which at this point employs a lexicon completely unrelated to English, we would like to focus on translating some of the more common “altered” words so as to avoid any potentially disastrous confusion on the part of our members.


“Friend” – This term, which used to imply someone with whom you had an intimate relationship based on mutual trust and understanding, now means potentially any person in the world ever, as long as you are in contact with them via an electronic networking tool such as Myspace or Facebook. By eliminating stumbling blocks such as intimacy, acquaintance, correspondence and dialogue we have drastically streamlined the process of friendship. While our grandparents couldn’t hope to have more than a dozen friends, we may have hundreds of thousands of friends at once, which serves to boost self-esteem while saving time.

NOTE: “Friend” has also become a verb, implying the act of contacting someone online, often the first step in a sexual conquest.

Examples:

“I friended her the other night so I think pretty soon we’re gonna do it.”
“Oh yeah I friended the shit out of that bitch.”
“I friended all over her face.”

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Lesson One

Women thrive on male attention like sexy zombies. Whether or not to pay them this attention is one of the few bargaining chips men have when dealing with women. A man only has a finite amount of energy to expend pretending to be interested in what women are saying, and it is vital that he reserve this energy for potential sexual conquests. One of the greatest crimes a woman can commit against mankind is to deliberately draw male attention by presenting the illusion of availability while their obligation to an unrevealed boyfriend makes them completely incapable of putting their vagina where their mouth is. The following video is intended to educate females in the avoidance of this very frustrating activity.

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The Theory of Male Oppression

OMFG is dedicated to raising awareness of the dehumanization, objectification and emotional castration of men by other genders. It is our goal to educate and empower our male members while discouraging our otherwise gendered members from continuing their patterns of harmful and socially destructive behavior. We consider ourselves a kind of social lubricant, smoothing the interaction between the noble, curving phallus and the harsh, sandy vagina.

OMFG’s Theory of Male Oppression is bases on several simple principles:

The Theory of Male Oppression

  • Of all genders, men are by far the most intellectually naive (i.e. stupid) and easily influenced by misleading words and overexposed body-parts (i.e. “cockteasery”)
  • Other genders can and do take advantage of this malleability, abusing men financially and emotionally for their own gain.
  • In post-feminist society, women have achieved independence and gained access to the same opportunities as men, while maintaining an antiquated notion of male servitude called “chivalry.”
  • Chivalry puts men in a constant position of servitude to other genders, forcing them to open doors, pay for drinks and defend them from physical assault.
  • This servitude comes from the pretense that women are in constant need of assistance because they are the “weaker sex.”
  • Therefore, men labor under the delusion that they are the dominant gender while women are clearly smarter, mature faster, have equal opportunities and if necessary can control half the population with their chests.

OMFG intends to free our male members from this chesty oppression by raising awareness of their situation and giving them the tools to fight it. We intend to sound the death knell of chivalry and instate social affirmative action to compensate for our malleability and intellectual shortcomings. We seek only equality and understanding from our members of other genders, and hope that through our education videos and instructional seminars we can come several steps closer to liberating and empowering disenfranchised males everywhere.