If you have discovered this blog in the heat of a sweaty-palmed search for suggestive pictures of a certain leggy blond, star of such fine films as “White Chicks” and “Cheaper by the Dozen 2,” you need to check your spelling. The actress in question uses the feminine version of our name, which places the “i” before the “m”. She can also be easily disguished by her wild success. While only three years older than myself, she has already achieved several of my personal life goals such as:
1) Staring in horror movies (“The Tripper,” “They Wait.”)
2) Staring in comic book movies (“Sin City,” “The Spirit.”)
3) Appearing in music videos.
4) Becoming the face of Rocawear.
5) Kicking heroin.
6) Fucking Kid Rock.
Suffice it to say that this bitch is ruining my career and I would totally boycot her if she wasn’t in such cool movies.
On a related topic, someone who should be boycotted if not assiassinated is Jamie King the choreographer who not only steals my exact spelling but also gets to hang out with Prince. Other assholes stealing my name include a British swimmer, some dude on “The Tudors” and a fictional Australian TV character.