Perhaps this should have been lesson one…we kind of thought it was implied. Anyway we’ve gone ahead and proven it with a scientific comparison of male versus female motivations.
Again, you’re welcome.
Fire and Brimstone
I had two experiences in the last 12 hours that together effectively summarize my feelings on religion.
Last night I saw
This is closely related to the faith the Reverend Vince preaches every Monday night to a packed house of sweaty sinners in a bar under the BQE. Vince is the genuine article. He’s the rare performer that treats his music as a religious experience and exhibits it without a trace of artifice. In the so-ironic-it’s-almost-sincere-again world of hipster culture this remarkable honesty has garnered him quite a following.
In what is probably the most cynical neighborhood in America, the Reverend thrives by preaching a gospel of love. His religious fervor is not dogmatic, but rather pure enthusiasm for life. I have always admired, even envied, the passion that churchgoers can achieve in support of their faith. The Reverend certainly has passion to spare, complete with prayers, fainting spells, tap-dancing, sing-alongs and resounding shouts of “Amen!” The message he preaches is love for your fellow man and acceptance of all faiths, classes and races, a message that he rightly proclaimed last night might cause him to be labeled a heretic. However, this kind of unabashed acceptance is, in my mind, much closer to the spirit of Christianity as it likely originated, and speaks to a truth so universal that even the most jaded kids in the country lose themselves in prayer and praise.
Conversely, this morning found me confronted with a very different kind of preaching. I had crammed myself merrily onto the A Train at 8AM to ride to work like I do every morning and will continue to do UNTIL I DIE. Pre-coffee, burdened with bags, my hair sticking up like an aloe plant from borrowing my girlfriends “Blond Vibrance” conditioner, I was already not in the best of moods when I saw the A Train Preacher board my car. While some of you might take issue at my disparaging a man’s honest attempt to create positive change, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the A Train Preacher, and those like him, are abominations on the face of this city.
The man is ostensibly collecting for the homeless, a task he dispatches with great haste, quickly moving on to his preferred topic: the eternity that we will all spend in hell if we refuse to accept Jesus as our savior. in the 3 minutes between 34th and 42nd streets, he manages to embody everything I hate about religion. He takes a captive audience (separation of church and state sadly doesn’t apply to busking) and he uses fear as his main selling point. As the doors closed behind me, that last words I heard were, “I hope you don’t have to die to find out I was right!”
No one needs that at 8 in the morning. No one needs that ever. At it’s worst religion attempts to control people’s behavior through fear of eternal damnation. At best it gives them a vessel into which they can pour their faith, love and hope for humanity. You can see both in 12 hours in New York City.
MaxGain+: Agent of Male Oppression
I would like to take a moment to bring something very disturbing to your attention.
I recently received an e-mail from a Mr. Kurtis Cash. The subject read simply “Hi” while the body of the e-mail contained an oblique web address followed by the simple bold words:
GET BIGGER PENIS
Was it advice? A suggestion? A command? An offer? A to-do list? All I can say for sure is that I receive dozens, if not hundreds of e-mails to this same effect every single day. Intrigued, I decided to follow up on this one. What I found shocked and apalled me.
The Web address above linked to an advertisement for a product called “MaxGain+” which is an herbal supplement purported to increase the size of a man’s penis. We at OMFG have come up with a theory: “MaxGain+” and other products like it have secretly been developed and marketed by other genders in the hopes of lowering the self esteem of men around the globe, thereby making them weaker and easier to oppress. Consider these examples from the “MaxGain+” website.
How would you feel being just an average guy for your lady? With the advance in science penis enlargement is now possible without expensive surgery, pumps or hanging weights.
#1: HANGING WEIGHTS, WTF?!? That is unacceptable. That trumps Japanese foot binding in terms of horrific beautification techniques. No man should be made to feel so insecure that he would put himself through that.
#2: Note how the add disparages being average, placing men in direct competition with each other, vying for the approval of women.
In the image to the left, the science behind penis enlargement is finally explained to all of our satisfaction.
Here’s another example, from the section of the add entitled:
“Psychological Benefits of a Bigger Penis.”
Women don’t care a lot what a man says, since most men have little to say that interests a woman. But they pay strict attention to the subtle signs in a man’s attitude. Women think: “If he looks confident, then there must be something about him that makes him so confident. This could be interesting”. A big penis is your ticket to that show of confidence that is not an act or a sham, but the real thing.
#1: Finally, the acknowledgment that women are just as shallow as men. An insight into the brutal mechanics of the female mind, so incisive that it was clearly written by someone of another gender.
#2: All confidence is an act. You’re acting like you are better than you are. By linking this act to a concrete physical trait, women restrict men from evolving beyond their natural limitations.
I know there are members of other genders who will say “look at all the aggressive weight loss programs and plastic surgery out there. We women know what it’s like to be made to feel inferior for something beyond our control.”
Not like this you don’t.
The penis is tied to the male sense of identity in a way that no one of another gender could ever truly understand. It is a man’s sexual mouthpiece, and since sex is arguably the entire point of male existence, what a man’s penis says about him is understandably very important to him. By using the instantaneous daily marketing blitz of the internet, other genders or able to assault men on a regular basis with broken sentences like “Get Bigger Penis,” “Penis to Small,” “Make More Penis Less $$,” “Big Penis=Big Happy” and “Hey Asshole, You’re Penis is Too Small.”
It is the goal of “MaxGain+” and companies like it to gradually pick away at the fragile sense of male security, attacking us where we are most vulnerable: our gigantic, horrifically huge penises.
How to Shit Where You Eat
We all know that men are biologically destined to spend 70% of their waking hours thinking about sex. When a man spends 80% of that time in one location, like an office, he will most likely try to have some sex there. We say go for it.
However by dipping your pen in the company ink, you leave yourself at the mercy of feminine predators who will use your daily availability and low self-esteem to ensnare you in a relationship and effectively neuter you. In order to avoid this entrapment, you must master an active state of denial and refuse to acknowledge the affair. The key to shitting where you eat is to go right back and eat there again, grinning bravely as if the food wasn’t covered in the shit of your sexual conquest.
In this next scene, Ed and Sarah hooked up on Saturday night at a company party. After an awkward courtship revolving mostly around Ed’s inability to remember Sarah’s name, they consummated their attraction in a race-car bed belonging to the Development Director’s small child.
Watch how Ed deftly avoids feminine entrapment as he unflinchingly interacts with his shit-smeared co-worker on Monday morning.
OMFG Vocabulary – Word of the Day “Hook-up”
“Hook-up” – Once meaning something that one does to a VCR, this term now denotes something ambiguous and sexual that happens between two people, usually without prior intent. This term is revolutionary it that it imparts no information whatsoever as to the nature of the sexual act, and could in fact refer to anything from light kissing to aggressive anal sex. In this promiscuous age, sexual relationships between men and women are becoming less and less formal all the time, and it has become necessary to develop a term that could encompasses both borrowing a DVD and sweaty, loveless intercourse.
NOTE: While in the past “Hook-up” was an acceptable term for a non-sexual rendezvous between two men, in recent years that has ceased to be the case, and use of the term in that sense is now correctly considered gayer than a bundle of dicks.
Example:
“Yo man, what are you doing tonight? We should hook up later.”
“Um, no thanks…
my…uh…asshole is
um…on fire.”
Angel’s Landing
Last week I snuck off to the Southwest and surprised my mom by joining her and my dad on their vacation to Zion National Park. We somehow managed to keep my inclusion in the trip a secret, despite massive setbacks such as her having to approve the credit card charge for my plane ticket. I coordinated with my dad in the Las Vegas airport by texting our locations (incidentally, texting with one’s parents is a very disturbing experience. I can’t explain it, but it feels like their catching you doing something wrong) and I was eventually rewarded with a slack-jawed look of abject shock on my mother’s face.
We left sin city behind and drove two hours to god’s country. When I was a kid my parents took me on a three-week tour of all the major parks in southern Utah: Zion, Bryce Canyon, Capitol Reef, Canyonlands and Arches. The striking geology in this part of the country made a lasting impression on me and I have been dying to get back there ever since. Of all these parks, Zion is the most magical. It doesn’t have the craziest rock formations or the most bizarre natural wonders, but there’s something about the huge red rock walls towering above lush green groves of trees and the flowing Virgin River that just feels like the way the world was meant to be designed. It’s as if Zion was the last place that god made on the planet and by that time he had finally figured out how to constructed the perfect landscape. Satisfied, he cleaned up his workspace for his seventh day rest, dumping the unused detritus of the world in a desert a little ways to the southwest. By that point pretty much all he had left were neon signs and hookers.
ANYWAY I spend two glorious days exploring Zion with my family. Above you can see my parents approaching the “Weeping Wall” which is early-settler poetry for “Half-Assed Waterfall.”
A lot has changed since we were there 10 years ago. There’s now a shuttle through the canyon with a Disneyland-style voice over which is kind of a shame, but I suppose better than a perpetual traffic jam.
The highlight of the trip by far was the hike to Angel’s Landing. This is Zion’s claim-to-fame hike and with good reason, although why the Park Service allows people to do it is beyond me. It seems so dangerous that you should have to sign 3 waivers and a nondisclosure agreement just to get to the trailhead, but instead they have t-shirts daring you to try it! And an “I Survived Angel’s Landing” shirt can seem a little grim if not everybody qualifies for one.
Ok, so I checked it out when I got back, and only five people have actually died on it, and it was the most spectacular hike I’ve ever been on in my life so I have to recommend it, but it still makes me a little uneasy. I mean, is there such a thing as “acceptable losses” on a pleasure trip? I guess you just have to look at it as a Darwin thing.
Here’s the deal: you hike up two miles of switchbacks disarmingly named “Walter’s Wiggles.” This part of the hike, gaining elevation in the ever-changing light of the canyon, is spectacular enough, but it’s the last 1/2 mile that’s the real piece of work.
Basically you spend this 1/2 mile climbing along a narrow rock spine with a THOUSAND foot drop off on each side. And the walls of Zion are steep and flat like the side of a building, so one wrong step means no second chance. At times the trail is about 4 feet wide and it’s all sandstone, which has this irritating tendency to be covered in sand. Fortunately, in order to combat these obstacles, the National Park Service has adorned the trail with some heavy chains hammered into the red rock walls. The spine curves left and right and up and down (you can see it trailing behind me in the above picture) and all the while you’re pulling yourself hand over hand along a weathered length of chain, trying not to look down, back or forward or to think much at all about what the hell you are doing. You’re able to almost lose a sense of the height, it’s when you see what’s to come or what’s behind you that you begin to question your sanity and the morals of the NPS.
The payoff, of course, makes it all far beyond worthwhile. 360 degree views from high above Zion canyon, strikingly different from each direction. California Condors circling hundreds of feet below (you have to try not to think about their plans for you). A hundred shades of red changing with each sink of the sun. The attached picture was taken with my shitty iphone camera so you can imagine the effect on the unaided eyeball. It was an absolutely breathtaking experience, and one that I will store up in my mind as I spend this winter hibernating in the frozen canyons of New York City.
OMFG @ UCB
It is with great pride that OMFG announces it’s next Live Educational Seminar, to be held at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre located at 307 West 26th Street in downtown Manhattan. Please join us on Monday, October 6th at 6:30pm for an informative evening of live presentations and videos. Men will receive lessons in how to re-empower themselves and take a stand against female oppression, while other genders will learn how to better identify with the male point of view. An educational, edifying and, yes, entertaining evening is in store for all.
OMFG live @ UCB
The Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre
307 West 26th Street, New York, NY
Monday, October 6th, 6:30pm, $5
Deliberately Inappropriate Communication (D.I.C.)
Most men are familiar with the dangerous effect that women, or at least their body parts, can have on a man’s judgment. Most times all this will cost you is a few drinks or an unfulfilling marriage, but in the delicate world of office politics it may result in an increased workload or even the loss of your position. It is vital that you stand your ground and at least present the illusion that you are not ruled by your sexual desire.
The first step in empowering yourself is identifying the subtle sexual innuendos that permeate any inter-gender conversation. Some call this “Sexual Harassment.” We at OMFG call it “Deliberately Inappropriate Communication,” D-I-C or DIC.
Did you know that most cases of dissatisfaction in the workplace can be traced back to bad DIC? It is difficult for men to sense when they are receiving DIC, since giving good DIC is often the key to a man’s own social empowerment. The key to DIC mastery is to understand when the DIC is in your favor and when the DIC will hurt you. And if a man loses control of his DIC in front of a women, the results can be messy. Watch in this next scene how Mandi uses Andy’s DIC against him.
Poor Andy. Looks like he’ll have to spend some time alone working on his DIC before trying it again on Mandi. She knows that when she controls the DIC, she controls the office.
Nevada Blows
I’m on a mini-vacation with my folks. We’re heading to Zion National Park but flew in to Vegas and are currently in a rented Prius making a run for the Arizona border.
Vegas has always impressed me with it’s sheer ballsiness…it’s honest endorsment of vice and life-ruiningly bad decisions. It’s the place you go to fall in love with the worst this country has to offer. Or to put it visually:
Bitches Be Trippin’
The following instructional video will explain the OMFG logo at the top of this page, and hopefully teach other genders a little bit about a primary component of inter-male communication. Please treat this information with the utmost discretion.