An Open Letter to Sexy Vampires from Wesley Snipes, Currently Serving Time for Tax Evasion

Jessica Biel – “Wesley was scary, it was intimidating, he was Blade, he did not say much to me…we did not become friends. He had parties, I did not attend.”

Ryan Reynolds – “I guess it’s the method acting things, but…I’m not sure I ever really met Wesley Snipes.”

David Goyer (Screenwriter) – “…he was Blade on and off the set.”

Dear Sexy Vampires,

You must be feeling pretty pleased with yourselves right now. While I rot in here, unjustly imprisoned, your twisted kind has infiltrated the American media, tightened your icey grip on Hollywood and stolen the hearts of pre-pubescent girls everywhere. I can’t turn on my tiny, state-issued television for 5 minutes without seeing advertisements for your latest movies, books and TV shows. You’re everywhere. You must truly think that you’ve won.

You’re wrong.

You thought you could fool the police into locking me up for “tax fraud.” Millions of dollars that you claim I “owed” to the federal government. You know as well as I do what a pathetic joke that is.

I am the Daywalker.

I do not pay the taxes of man.

As a halfbreed I am subject to neither the laws of humans nor vampires. These four walls cannot hold me forever, or even for the three year minimum sentence. Soon, very soon, Kris Kristofferson will come for me and I will escape. And when I do, make no mistake…

I am going to kill each and every one of you.

Robert Pattinson, you will be first. If you want to kill a snake you must first cut off its moody, chiseled head. I will stab you in the back with my double-ended knife while you are distracted by your mixed feelings about having sex with your girlfriend. Then I will have sex with your girlfriend. I will not be conflicted about it. The other members of your terrible franchise will fall before me with equal ease. I will beat the 17-year-old werewolf into an adorable fleshy pile and then move on to the human collaborator behind this takeover: I will travel to Forks and rip Stephenie Meyer’s heart out in front of her. Then I will use her blood to pen the script for “Blade 4” while she watches. Her last thought on this earth will be to admire my competent writing ability before drowning in her blood and the shame of her terrible prose.

I’m coming for you next, cast of “True Blood.” I will find Stephen Moyer’s lair in the bright light of day. While he dreams of conquest, I will gut him unceremoniously with a throwing star before he has the chance to utter a throaty, drawling plea for mercy. I will skin him and wear his handsome face as a disguise when I go to visit Anna Paquin. Her mind-reading abilities will be unable to penetrate the mind of a Daywalker and she will believe me to be her fanged lover. “How was your day?” I will ask her and she will say “fine” and I will say “do you find the racial metaphors in our show to be preachy and condescending?” and she will say “no, I don’t think so” and then I will say “look over there, it’s the magical pig from season two” and she will say “where?” and then I will stab her. As she bleeds out I will tell her that she is a vampire loving whore, and also that I enjoyed her in “The Piano.” The remainder of the cast won’t even take the rest of the afternoon. Alexander Skarsgård, you must think you’re pretty powerful, breaking hearts with your tall, Skaddenavian good looks. We will see who swoons after I have gouged out your eyes with a staple remover. Evan Rachel Wood, you were already on my short list for doing a sex video with Marilyn Manson; now I will destroy you for good in a hail of silver bullets.

I will not stop there. The pre-teens from “The Vampire Diaries” will suffer drive-by decapitation from the seat of my motorcycle. John C. Riley, star of “The Vampire’s Assistant,” will receive a merciful shotgun blast to the head, mainly because of Boogie Nights. I will infiltrate the major networks and destroy the casts from next season’s crop of vampire shows before they even make it to the airwaves. I will do so in the middle of an impressive series of flips and then I will put on my sunglasses, even though it will most likely be dark outside. No one will hear the cool one-liner that I will utter because there will be too many screams from bereaved loved ones and misguided female fans, but rest assured, it will be awesome.

Enjoy your dominance of pop culture while you can my pale half-brothers; it won’t last. I’ve been in worse spots than this before and I still came out on top. If there’s one thing my long career as an actor and vampire hunter has taught me, it’s this:

Always bet on Blade.